It’s been an interesting month. I’ve been trying to unpack all that’s happened, and convert that into something resembling eloquent written reflection, but I’m realizing that’s a pipe dream. For now, at least.

As I sit here at my desk on a late Saturday night, watching another wildly improbable Braves comeback (in Denver, of all places), I can only muster a few simple, vague emotions, which I shall funnel into some stream-of-consciousness ramblings.

I’m thankful to be alive. I’m more thankful that my wife is alive. I don’t want to overdramatize what is, in reality, an everyday occurrence– especially here in Atlanta. But having never been in a major car accident, I can now attest that those accidents… they stick around. They mess with you. The doctors told us that we would likely experience sudden and random traumatic relapses (my words), and to not let that discourage us too much. This was very accurate. I spent two weeks plus as a mere shell of myself, haunted by flashbacks, quiet bouts of anxiety and depression, and unshakeable lethargy. Or more simply, I was just “off.” It was like a cold that wouldn’t go away (and I was also literally fighting a cold at the time): never completely debilitating, but tremendously annoying. I just wanted to be “normal” again, but it felt like that wasn’t going to happen. 

But, again: thankfulness. If gratitude is the only takeaway from this whole ordeal, then it’s a solid one. 

As I distance myself from the accident, and settle back into “normal,” we turn our attention back to the disruption that was already in progress: specifically, leaving Atlanta for Denver. There’s a lot of emotion to unpack here, as well.

I’m excited about our new adventure. I’m terrified to leave the security of my job and my coworkers to become a full-time freelancer. I’m looking forward to getting to know what is, according to most everyone I’ve talked to, an amazing city and region. I’m dreading the cross-country trips and yet another apartment search. I’m hopeful that I’ll be able to build something new. I’m lamenting the geographical separation from my family, my friends, and basically everything I’ve ever known. I’m stoked to see Tiffany get to pursue a dream that so many aspire to but can’t make the cut. 

It’s a whole mess of emotions that I honestly can’t deal with all at once. It’s going to take at least several months. Which is about all of the time I have. 

So, this month has been an interesting one. The Braves have been fun to watch. They’ve been on a tear ever since I wrote my last post. (Coincidence? Absolutely.) The Avengers was pretty awesome as well. I’ve also fully made the transition to someone that actually enjoys guacamole, albeit moderately. See, it’s not all doom and gloom. 

Unless you’re a Red Sox fan, that is. If so, I offer my condolences. 

Opportunity

I’ve never been an overly ambitious person.

I know that will surprise some people, with my overwhelmingly fiery nature.
(Sarcasm notation needed)

In grade school, I was never driven by anything in particular, except perhaps the expectation that I was supposed to do well. In college, I never had any dreams of achieving great success during or after my studies, save for a stretch where I aspired to be an undergraduate religion professor. Oh, the irony…

However, when I was roughly 20 years old, I found an intense passion for design. I enjoyed it immensely. I at least thought I was good at it. People left and right encouraged me to push forward. And so I spent nearly all of my free hours in Photoshop and Motion, trying out new techniques and making flyers and silly videos for campus organizations. I had no idea what is was exactly, but I knew I was building for something.

That period of ambition, along with some great (divine?) timing and connections, ultimately helped land me my current job. This job has pushed me so much further than I dreamed back then, simply through daily challenge and being around talented people. 

But it’s been easy to get comfortable.

Not too comfortable, mind you– there’s always the next challenge to tackle, and always the chance that the rug will be pulled from under me on a given project.

But I admit that I’ve settled in some. I know what’s expected of me and I’ve gotten used to the flow. The months and art start to blend together. Sometimes I’m good at keeping the attitude of a student, and sometimes I’m just trying to get everything done. Deadlines and downtime. It’s the cycle of the design world. At times it unfortunately keeps me from pushing. 

Now I’m staring at a big unknown once again– a chance to build something. If I’m going to make it, I need to tap into my 20 year-old self once again; the person who had everything to learn, everything to prove, and nothing to lose (though that last part isn’t remotely accurate this time around). I need to have ambition.

It’s interesting that ambition has become a dirty word. Understandable, but interesting. We often associate ambition with success for the purpose of accumulation– people who follow big ideas for the sake of making more money than the next guy. 

But on the other side, I see good people who avoid ambition like the plague. They don’t want to be pushy, they don’t want to risk, or they don’t want to disturb the status quo. And so a lot of good things are left undone.

I’ve seen the fruit of good ambition, and I’ve seen the barrenness of its absence. I think God prefers the former. And I’ve been holding out.

The opportunities are always there, but right now it’s screaming at me. I’m just not yet sure of what it’s screaming.