(Insert lousy duck metaphor.)
“Laid back.”
“Chill.”
“Easygoing.”
Almost without exception, this is how my friends and peers have characterized my personality. I don’t publicly freak out. I’m tremendously anti-confrontational. I’m a people-pleaser. I fight every awkward situation or conversation with attempts at wit or humor, trying desperately to steer the mood away from discomfort. I’m content to sit and listen– or worse, drift off into another world.
After 25-plus years of being that guy, I have a confession to make: this is more or less a front.
The temptation here is to refer to the cliché about ducks’ legs going crazy underneath the surface of the water, all while looking still and calm above. This is a lousy metaphor. I’ve seen ducks’ legs under the water; they actually move slowly and gracefully under most circumstances.
But the simple truth is this: I have severe anxiety that I hide from the world (save for my wife). I worry incessantly about everything. I’m prone to anxiety attacks and mini-bouts of depression. Not because I’m unhappy; on the contrary, I feel incredibly blessed. But instead, I suffer from a perpetual state of uncertainty– regarding the future, life, spiritual matters, etc. I am a processor, meaning I take time to analyze nearly everything I encounter. On the plus side, I feel I’m able to, with time, understand more fully. On the negative side, I am a skeptic, and even minor decisions or change can be crippling.
Vulnerability is not a personal strength. Again, I can open up to Tiffany, but that’s about it. I desire to be perceived as the laid-back guy, someone who more or less has life figured out (have I mentioned that I struggle with pride, as well?). But the reality is, despite how much knowledge I may or may not possess, I have very little “figured out.”
So the temptation is to brush life aside, to avoid deeper relationships, situations, or questions and keep everything at arm’s length. It’s far less difficult that way. But I fear I may be losing myself and my voice in the process.
I’m sharing this now with the few of you who will read it to simply get it off of my chest– with hopes that I can begin to reclaim that “spark within.” I distinctly feel that I am drifting away from the person that God made me to be, simply because I’ve done my best to ignore that person and take the easy, apathetic way out. And that’s not working out too well.
Hopefully, I’m on the road to recovery. A couple of days after we got Ginger (our ridiculously adorable new dog), I had my typical, unwarranted freakout session. Had Ginger been some household appliance, I would have taken her back to the store, simply because I couldn’t handle the change. But I got over that, have been growing accustomed to this new reality, and hopefully grew up a bit as well. Baby steps.
Whew, I feel better already. Thanks for letting me vent a little.
